homesick

and i wonder why i deserved to lose my parents

especially at such a young age

and i wonder why i could never have a normal youth

since a very young age

and i wonder why my little brother was always the only one

who truly loved me

and why i always wasn't good enough

and i wonder why i deserved to lose my parents

why i deserve to come home to an empty studio

why the house i shared all of my good and bad childhood memories in 

has to be sold

and i'll never be able to step into my real room again

and i'll never be able to sit in the living room again

and i'll never be able to lie down on the stone ground

which was so comforting in the hot summers

and why i'll never be able to chase after my cat and dog again

or play football in the garden with my brother

and why i'll never have the chance to make jokes with my parents again

or do crazy things

or tell them about tokio hotel

or any other things

and i wonder why it's always been me

and why i deserve all this madness

and i wonder what's wrong with me

because there's always been told something was

and i wonder why i deserved this lonely life

this pain and these anxiety

living without warmth or comfort

living without a true home

living with guilt 

living with pain

living without the people i loved the most of all 

even though things weren't always perfect

why did i deserve this?

why?

i don't understand

and i guess i'll never will

i feel alone

and actually i am

because there's no home to catch me when i fall

there's no advice from my parents

there's no warmth

there's no safety 

there's no love

i'm alone

and i miss them so much

weekend

the weekends are ours

when we get drunk off each other and alcohol

(but the anxiety never stops..)

we play video games

laugh and cuddle

kiss and hug

tease each other and have cute fights over a playstation controller

the weekends are simply ours

that's when we're happiest and just simply us

and i'm growing again

to the person i once was

i'm getting tired of my piercings so i took three off

i pray to anything that exists for my hair to grow long again

(i'm terribly bad at patience)

and we're just happy, happy together

sleeping together is the best thing in the world

just holding him

and kissing his beautiful face

holding his hand

and feeling his warmth upon me

it's wonderful, perfect

(but the anxiety never stops..)

but i surely do wish i wasn't so afraid

so anxious and worried

even when i'm drunk of the alchohol, i can't put these thoughts away

but i don't care

because he makes me happy

he makes me, me

and i'll grow back to the person i once was

just like my hair

and all will be well

and the weekends will forever be ours

skinny

and i just wish i could be perfect for you

skinny and beautiful

a featherweight in your arms

i wish i could 

but the fight is so hard

the urge of food

the urge of not eating

it's a constant battle and it drives me mad

i want to be perfect for you

perfectly skinny 

and beautiful

a featherweight perfection

but i can't

and i keep fighting

and you tell me i'm beautiful

but i feel like you're lying

because i'm not beautiful

and i know that 

i realize i'm not

i'm just an ugly fat girl

with a stupid face

and stupid hair

stupid skin

stupid piercings

stupid teeth

stupid body

i don't understand myself

i just want to be happy

and i want to be perfect

perfectly skinny

just for him

but i can't

and that makes me sad

but one day

i'll look in the mirror

and see what i've wanted to see for years

my skin will be stretched over my bones

and i'll smile

because i managed to get there

and i'll be so proud

and so will you

at least

i hope

because everything i do

i do it for you

you only deserve the best

and i'm willing to get there

us

our love is the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced in my life

i want to stay with you forever and share all of my life with you

and i know times could be though 

and we could be sad

but i will carry you

i will take care of you 

and tell you how beautiful you really are

you deserve only the good things

you've been through so much and i wish you could see

how perfect you are to me

i love our kisses

our hugs

our cuddles

just simply or love

i love us

we're simply perfect for each other

and i'd never want to change you for anyone else

because you're everything to me

the world, the universe

simply everything

and i wish you realized just how much

because my love is endless

just for you

you made me realize how beautiful love is

and how beautiful life can be

and how beautiful it could be to be with the true person you love

you made me realize such beautiful perfect things

i love you

i really do

i love you with such an impact that it makes me want to shout it off the rooftops

i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

and i've never and i'll never love anyone like i loved you

you're the one for me

stay forever, please

stop

i just wish the sadness and anxiety would stop

i wish i could be normal, free and happy

i really do hope i won't die, that i'll overcome my fears

the fear of gaining weight, the fear of disease, the fear of being secretly hated, the fear of dying, the fear of losing someone, the fear of being an outstander, ..

my list is endless

and so are my thoughts

and when i think about the future, i don't know where i see myself

i love art

in all of it's ways

fashion, drawing, painting, singing, dancing,..

simply everything

and i don't know which way to choose or if it's my right path

or if i'll be able to do what i love

the future is so odd.. you're just wondering and wondering

and i'm just here, stuck with my anxiety that i might even die in an hour

the burning pain in my left chest keeps me anxious, the sound of my beating heart does to

the pain all over my head, the stinging pain

it's making me go crazy..

the people around me don't know what's going on inside of me

but there's a lot and i need to get it out somehow

i'm so scared of the never ending anxiety

so scared that it'll forever cling itself to me

all that i know is that because of jonas i keep on fighting,

he is the love of my life and i truly do mean that

what i share with him i've never shared before, it's the most incredible, special and perfect thing i could've ever experienced

he makes me feel alright, he gives me hope

and i sincerely hope, 

i'll be okay, 

together with him

i want to be the happy me again, the life-enjoying girl

that spends her time listening to tokio hotel and draws and sings and dances and does fun stuff

but here i am,

antisocial, alone, in pain and overthinking in a constant manner

i'm scared, really scared

and i sincerly hope i'll be okay

that everyone'll be okay

i just want inner peace,

the peace between my body and soul

teenage stupidity

oh, how I long for a normal "teenage" life

i am jealous of everyone who can just go out, without having anxious thoughts or feelings

who are completely able to go up in the moment, in the night, in the music and feel free

i am jealous of the smile on their faces, of the great memories that they create

and i'm jealous because they're not afraid of dying,

or at least not thinking about it all the time

i am jealous,

because they are normal

and i am not