the war keeps going on
endlessly
to eat or not to eat
to purge or not to purge
to starve or not to starve
it's a constant battle between listening to your body and simply ignoring it's signals
what's so obsessing about the bony structure of our skeleton that makes us wish we
were so skinny, it looked like the bones where so sharp they'd cut open our skin stretch over it?
i have no idea
a sickness in the mind they call it
not being able to see what the others see
but what the others see, is not always right either?
everyone has a different taste
the other wants a fuller body
the other wants it tight with gigantic boobs
and i, i want it skinny
and because i do
they call it a disease
i often do not understand this world
it's sickening and so full of unlogical wisdoms
i wonder if i'll ever look at this again
and think something else
i wouldn't quite know
because i often change my mind
but not about my body
i want it skinny
i want it skinny
i want it skinny
and i keep on eating
i can't resist it
and i hate myself for it
i want to cut my skin open to make the emotions and thoughts drip out
but it's no use
nothing helps anymore
everything is wrong
and all that's right is telling someone else
listening to their advice about what they'd do in such a situation
but we all react diferent don't we?
i've met too many people, i've been in too many hospitals
but still, everyone tells me different things
everyone keeps me being confused and ashamed about myself
i don't know how to behave anymore
or how i should react to people
or how i should manage to get through the day
or how i should manage to stop these thoughts
all i've known is that i'm all alone in this
no matter how much people there are in your life
or even in the room
or even holding you as you're bursting in tears
no one's there
you're battling alone
others are just comforting you
but the battle is all yours
i just want to be skinny
and be able to do something useful in my life
that i like
but it's human nature to want what you can't have and that's fucking saddening..
i don't know what to do anymore
i feel sad
i feel alone
i feel anxious
i feel fat
i feel so much that i often wonder if it's healthy to feel this much
i want to get better,
i really do
but people have too often left my life
which makes me anxious
i just don't know anymore
i had to get rid of it..
now i'll probably spend the evening looking at skinny girls on tumblr and drinking green tea,
maybe even play a match of tekken with my boyfriend, maybe even get drunk and smoke too much cigarettes, cuddle with my boyfriend (the only one i trust)
the night is young
and so am i
and that's all i'm certain of
(but young doesn't always mean that i won't die..)
