skinny pt. 2

the war keeps going on

endlessly

to eat or not to eat

to purge or not to purge

to starve or not to starve

it's a constant battle between listening to your body and simply ignoring it's signals

what's so obsessing about the bony structure of our skeleton that makes us wish we 

were so skinny, it looked like the bones where so sharp they'd cut open our skin stretch over it?

i have no idea

a sickness in the mind they call it

not being able to see what the others see

but what the others see, is not always right either?

everyone has a different taste

the other wants a fuller body

the other wants it tight with gigantic boobs

and i, i want it skinny

and because i do

they call it a disease

i often do not understand this world

it's sickening and so full of unlogical wisdoms

i wonder if i'll ever look at this again

and think something else

i wouldn't quite know

because i often change my mind

but not about my body

i want it skinny

i want it skinny

i want it skinny

and i keep on eating

i can't resist it

and i hate myself for it

i want to cut my skin open to make the emotions and thoughts drip out

but it's no use

nothing helps anymore

everything is wrong

and all that's right is telling someone else

listening to their advice about what they'd do in such a situation

but we all react diferent don't we?

i've met too many people, i've been in too many hospitals

but still, everyone tells me different things

everyone keeps me being confused and ashamed about myself

i don't know how to behave anymore

or how i should react to people 

or how i should manage to get through the day

or how i should manage to stop these thoughts

all i've known is that i'm all alone in this

no matter how much people there are in your life

or even in the room

or even holding you as you're bursting in tears

no one's there

you're battling alone

others are just comforting you

but the battle is all yours

i just want to be skinny

and be able to do something useful in my life

that i like

but it's human nature to want what you can't have and that's fucking saddening..

i don't know what to do anymore

i feel sad

i feel alone

i feel anxious

i feel fat

i feel so much that i often wonder if it's healthy to feel this much

i want to get better,

i really do

but people have too often left my life

which makes me anxious

i just don't know anymore

i had to get rid of it..

now i'll probably spend the evening looking at skinny girls on tumblr and drinking green tea,

maybe even play a match of tekken with my boyfriend, maybe even get drunk and smoke too much cigarettes, cuddle with my boyfriend (the only one i trust)

the night is young

and so am i

and that's all i'm certain of

(but young doesn't always mean that i won't die..)